The Desires of My Heart

It’s been two and half weeks since Beau came to our home.  When he arrived, all I could think was that I hadn’t waited long enough after Baby had gone.  I was missing him and I didn’t feel like I would ever be able to love Beau the same way.  I could look after his needs, care for him, and keep him safe.  But I couldn’t love him.

The girls were learning a Bible verse that hung on the refrigerator,
“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  Psalm 32:4

I’ve known that verse for years, and I understand it.  God won’t give us the selfish things we desire because we ask for them.  He will put His own desires in our hearts because He knows what’s best for us.  So, I prayed.

It didn’t take more than an hour or so, and Beau was making his way into my heart.  After two and half weeks, I’m standing where I was with Baby.  Loving him like he's my own and wanting what’s best for him, trusting that God will work it out because all I have right now is faith.

Beau’s case worker is doing a home study for a non-relative placement.  A friend of his mother’s wants him and he could leave us by next week.  But, Beau’s case is much different than Baby’s.  It’s more dangerous and requires much more trust with his protection.  The thought of him leaving makes me physically ill because I honestly don’t know that he will be safe away from here.  I look at his little face and tiny body and cover him with prayers for his safety, because only God can keep him from harm. 

So, here I am again.  Praying for God’s will, preparing for a broken heart, saying that I won’t do this again because it hurts too bad. 

And knowing that if he does leave us, I will say ‘yes’ when that next phone call comes in.  Because I delight myself in the LORD.  And He is giving me the desires of His heart.

Stubborn

My husband is stubborn.  After our first argument, all those years ago, I expected him to immediately apologize.  He didn’t.  Not only did he not apologize, he expected me to apologize.   We apparently worked things out, but I don’t remember it being easy.

Matt’s still stubborn.  But, today his stubbornness is used for good.  He’s stubborn about how we spend our money, how we raise our girls, and he’s stubborn, always, about putting God first in all of our decisions. 

More than a year and a half ago, we began the conversation about fostering.  At the time, we both said we wanted to wait.  A year ago, classes were beginning and Matt told me he’d take the classes, but he still wasn’t sure we would foster.  The classes began and he said he wouldn’t mind fostering, but he didn’t want to adopt.  After 12 weeks of classes, he said he wanted to foster, and if God put adoption out there for us, he was willing. 

Then Baby came into our home.  My stubborn man got a little melty.  But, when the circumstance came up that we would have to take Baby’s brother or he would have to go to his brother’s foster family, Matt said we simply couldn’t take in two children.  So, I prayed.  I wanted both boys.  And then, all of a sudden, we began planning our house for two little boys.  We figured out beds and car seats and in what seemed like only moments, Matt’s heart was changed. 

God loves stubborn hearts.  Stubborn hearts show His power to work in mighty ways.  I’ve seen a man that didn’t to want to foster at all tell me last week that he was ready to take in another baby, even before I was ready.  God.  It can only be God.   

And it can only be good.