Inching Forward

We found out Friday that we are very close to finding an agency to go through licensing. It only feels like we’re inching forward, but this really is a pretty big step.

What I’ve learned this past week of what felt like a huge set-back is that we have so many people on our side. Matt’s friends and colleagues at work have been sparkling beacons of hope, working as hard as they could to get this bump ironed out. I can’t say how much I appreciate them. There isn’t one that comes to mind that I don’t consider a friend, and that’s so special, especially right now.

I’ve also learned this week that my base of friends and family are so precious to me. When God stops me in my tracks, I tend to want to sit down where I am and have a tantrum. Or curl up and throw myself a pity party. God gives us friends and family to support us by holding us up so we’re already standing when God’s ready to start moving again. Pretty awesome the way that works.

So, I’m content in the wait. I’m excited about our tiny little steps, standing firm and ready for when we’re set to start taking some leaps. For everyone that’s helped me stay on my feet this week, you are loved.

Standing Still

We are all wrapped up in red tape, praying that someone out there finds the scissors.

Eleven weeks of classes, hours of homework, and we were one of the few to be moving forward toward our home study. By Thursday, our case manager already had our paperwork and we were scheduling for our first meeting. Ten minutes later, I received an email that because Matt works for Children’s Home Society, licensing through this particular agency could be a conflict of interest. We're now waiting to see if we can find an agency that can help us.

I was initially so disappointed. But, I have to choose to stand firm in my faith. If I say that I’m going to trust God with this, then I have to trust Him at all times, especially when things don’t seem very clear. There is a purpose in this, and I do believe we’ll see it one day. Whether it’s to test my faith, change state-wide policy for those behind us, or to wait on His will for the perfect child for our home, there is a plan.

So, I’ll stop when He stops and I’ll wait when He tells me too. Because I know that even if His footsteps have stopped, they’re still pointed in the right direction.

Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Graduated

Saturday afternoon we graduated from our Foster Parenting class. I thought I’d feel nothing but relief - three months of Saturdays, hours of homework, emotional upheavals- finally completed. But, I didn’t feel relieved at all. I felt drained and exhausted. And scared.

We were interviewed after graduation by our trainer, the next step toward certification. This entire time I thought it would be extremely difficult to get the opportunity to foster a baby because everyone wants to foster babies. And, of course, we heard so much about the older children. But during the interview our trainer said that there’s actually a great need for foster parents like us. I stay at home. That means that the babies under six weeks old will need us since they won’t be able to go into daycare. It also means that we’ll be called for the babies addicted to drugs and alcohol that need extra care.

When she first said that, my mind immediately shut down. No way do I want a baby addicted to crack, going through withdrawal. I don’t want to have to watch an infant in writhe in pain, that can’t stand to be touched, and know that even when they are through withdrawal, they will most likely face a lifetime of psychotropic drugs, behavioral issues and delays. It’s terrifying.

So, Saturday afternoon, I tried to process it all. Little by little, I felt God changing my heart. I told Him that I didn’t want Him to change my heart. I really don’t want to want a drug addicted baby. But, if I choose to follow God’s footsteps, that means following them wherever He goes. Even if that’s straight to a child that is far from perfect.

What I do know, and will always know, is that His footsteps never go the wrong way. No matter the child or children we have in our home, they will touch the lives of others with their stories and glorify God with their triumphs.

This hasn’t been easy, and I don’t see it getting easier. But, I think I’m okay with that. Even if I don’t want to be.