Silence

I’m walking in His footsteps so closely now that I can’t see anything in front of me, nothing on the side.  All I see is Him, protecting me as He walks before me. 

Beau is still here.  That’s a miracle in itself.  It’s one of the most blatant miracles I’ve witnessed in my life.  I was getting phone calls nearly every other day regarding his leaving.  Visitations were constantly being set up with the stranger, visitations with his mother, visitations with his father.  It’s been more than three weeks now and I haven’t heard a word.  Not an email, not a phone call.  Nothing. 

The silence has lulled me into the belief that Beau is staying with us forever.  Two year ago in November, I felt that God was promising me a son.  I told him I wanted another girl, but that’s not what I heard.  Through His Word, through prayer, through the prayers of my children.  I heard a promise.  I’ve lived on faith since that time that His promise would come true.  

When Baby left, I questioned whether I heard correctly.  In my mind, Baby was the one for us   My faith was rattled the day I put him in his car seat and watched his case worker drive away.  But, Beau was born the day I said good-bye to Baby.  One hope is gone, one is born. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.  Even tomorrow is a question mark.  It’s a difficult way to live, but what better way to completely and fully trust in Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  I literally have no other choice.  

These past three weeks have made me stronger.  I’m following with sure steps, solid footing.  And one thing about following so closely to my Lord - if I do hear the news I never want to hear and I stumble in my pain, I know I'll never fall.