It’s been close to a month since Punkin’s come to live with our family. It’s been one of the most difficult months of my life.
I’ve come face-to-face with the ugly side of fostering. Of course, it’s never pretty. But, I know too much now. I know there are really good people out there that are trying to fix a system that will probably stay broken. Happy endings are rare. Babies are beaten, toddlers are sexually abused. Ugly.
I miss Beau and Baby. I was never happier than when I was caring for them. They were so easy to love. They were too young to understand anything other than that I loved them completely. Punkin didn’t have that luxury. Raised in foster homes his entire life, even at his young age, he has grown to distrust and fear. The first days he was with us were filled with constant crying. He was separated from the only siblings he’d ever known, siblings he grew up with. Everyone was gone. Except us. Strangers.
For the first few weeks we had him, I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I would lie there, praying. Begging God to please take this child from my house. I don’t want this. I want Beau back, I want Punkin to be with his forever family with his sisters. And I feel so guilty. I’m supposed to be there for these children, but now I’m praying for the happy ending that won’t happen. I’m jaded and I want to quit. So, what now?
I don’t know. I wish I did. I trust that God is in this. I do. But, I have no answers.
So, maybe I wait. I suck it up and love this child that looks at me like he wants nothing to do with me. This child that hits and kicks and spits and does the exact opposite of what he knows he should. I love him in spite of how hard my life has become. I love him because no one else does.
And hope it’s enough.
I wish I lived close to you and maybe I could help you. Try positive reinforcement in the same way you would with a dog or cat. I'm not calling this little one an animal, but if you can try to separate your emotions from the relationship until you get him under control, it will be a lot easier. I had difficult children to work with when I was a speech therapist in the public schools and I had to do that. It will work eventually, if you are consistent. Once he starts to trust you, you can use hugs and loves instead of tangibles, such a treats. Then, you can open up to him emotionally again.
ReplyDeleteThe last year I worked...just a few years ago...there was a fat, unattractive half black girl who had some neurological problems, probably due to her mother's drug use while she was pregnant with her. She was rude and crude, but I was determined to reach her. I had to send her to in-school suspension finally for using the F-word. I hated to do it, but I had no choice. She was out in the hall with her face to the wall at one point during the day and I went up to her and told her how sorry I was that she was having to go through what she was, but that she did wrong and there were consequences. Then, I gave her a big hug. After that, something broke through and she was my new best friend the rest of the year. I know your little guy is not old enough to talk to about his situation, but if you will just ignore his bad behavior and reward him when he does something you like, he will come around. I will be praying for you and for him. Keep us posted. :)