This Little Lamb

I started cleaning out the baby’s room today (formerly a very FULL playroom). The girls were so excited in the process, choosing stuffed animals, blankets and books to save for the little one that we hope to foster.

There were bins of toys to look through and it took all afternoon to barely make a dent. But, as I was dumping and sorting, I came across a little lamb. I just stared at it for a while. Surrounded by monkeys, bears, ducks, horses and puppies, I fixated on this one lamb. I decided then that I was going to decorate the room with lambs.

I told Matt and the girls at dinner what I wanted to do with the room. It wasn’t a huge revelation, the paint’s up and all I have to do is add a few things here and there. But, it wasn’t until just a few moments ago that it hit me.

A lamb. The one creature that is so cherished that its guardian would die to protect it.
The Lamb. The One that came to seek and save the lost.

So, lambs it is.

Painful Lessons

It’s been so hard to blog about the parenting class. A couple weeks removed, I’m going to give it a shot. To say this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done seems ridiculous. There’s nothing to compare it to.

We sit in class hour after hour and hear about the atrocities that children endure day after day, year after year, until they’re lucky enough to get so injured or abused that they are then ripped away from the only life, albeit horrendous, that they’ve ever known. I’ve heard the sickening and stunning statistics of sexual abuse and I’ve faced demons that I would have rather remained dead and dormant in my closet.

And then I feel the ache for that child we’re desperately wanting to save. I can picture holding him, not wanting to put him down in case he has to go back to a parent that won’t hold him enough. I dream of keeping him, and have nightmares of not being able to. I face fears and excitement and more fears, knowing the entire time that this isn’t about me. My roller coaster is getting crazy with loops and twists and I’m typically leaving class nauseous and shaking.

One day, I know I’ll look back on the classes and know that God put me there for more reasons than I can count. My view on the world has changed. My desire to help a baby has morphed. I used to want to adopt. Now, I want to adopt, but I’ll take any second I can to love the unloved, even if it rips my heart out. And my monsters are prayerfully getting a holy beat down.

All that to say - this hurts, it’s going to be worth it and I can’t wait to give God the glory in His upcoming miracles. Because in all this, I know that I know that I know, there will be glory to be given.

One Step at a Time

Sitting on top of the roller coaster looking out over His promises was a breeze compared to the impending descent. Looking down at what’s to come over the next eleven weeks has a lot more twists and turns than we expected.

The class on Saturday was overwhelming. Mainly because of the paperwork and procedure involved. I understand the involvements of the children and the fact that the main objective is to reunite the child with the parents, but the things we have to get together and get ready was a lot to process in one class.

Of course, that’s why they did it.

The class was filled to nearly overflowing. The only way to tell who’s serious is to see who’s willing to make such a huge commitment. This class was meant to weed out those that aren’t serious or are doing this for the wrong reason.

One day removed, I’m feeling much better. I came home and got most of our paperwork in order. I’m done with my homework for the week and I’m ready to get an ‘A’ in class.

An added blessing was when our dear friends walked in to class yesterday. We weren’t sure they’d be able to take the class, but having them next to us was such a God-send. There was something about leaving class and being able to look at Christy and hear that she was feeling the same way I was. God is so good.

I love God’s peace, His comfort. I prayed on it last night. All night long, it seemed. And I heard Him say, again and again and again.

One step at a time, Darlin. One step at a time.

At the top

I’m at the top of the roller coaster, looking down over all of God’s promises. I have my hands in the air, waiting for the descent. What a spectacular view. What an amazing time in life.

The three things I’ve been praying for over the last several months are God’s will with Foster Parenting, my book to be complete and sent to publishers and home schooling the girls. And all three are happening within weeks of each other.

Saturday, we have our first class to become foster parents. With the amount of prayer our children have done over our decision, we are going to be a united foster family.

My book is finished and I’m working on a cover letter to publishers. Whether or not this is the path God would have for me, I know that at least my daughters will gain something from it in the years ahead.

And our curriculum has arrived to start home school.

So many things to be excited for, so many things to hope in. No wonder my hands are lifted high. I’m letting go to let God.

Another step

It seems like everywhere I turn, there’s someone who is fostering a child. Maybe I’ve always been surrounded and I’m just now noticing. But, I’m more inclined to believe that it’s my Father, showing me tangible footprints of His every step.

A few weeks ago, a friend at church was talking to me about an article she read telling how to prepare your children for the foster/adopt process. I felt Matt quietly shut down next to me. When we were back in the car, I asked him what he was thinking about the classes starting up soon, and the prospect of having a new baby in the house six months from now. He said he wasn’t sure he wanted to foster. He was going to take the classes, but it would be one step at a time. I asked him if he’d been praying about it and he hadn’t. Neither had I, not as much as I should.

That night we prayed together. We prayed for guidance, for readied hearts and mostly for God to build a bridge where we would meet in this event that will truly be life-changing.

After we prayed, we watched ‘Undercover Boss’. The episode was about ‘Subway’s” boss and he went to Orlando to meet with the youngest regional manager Subway had ever had. The boss asked the young man what he wanted to do with his life. He said he wanted to foster children, because fostering saved his life. His mom fostered him, then adopted him. Now he wants to give back.

I know some people would call that a coincidence. But, I know the truth.

This past Saturday, we were talking to family about the classes starting up next month and all it would mean for our little family. I listened while Matt told the others that he was ready to foster.

And we took another step forward.

La’akov

Roller Coasters

We boarded this roller coaster we’re on a couple months ago now, I guess. We’re all buckled in, smiling in anticipation. Our knuckles are white on the safety bar as we’re ready to experience something exhilarating, exciting, fun and just this side of terrifying. We’ve started the ascent. We can hear the tick, tick, tick of the coaster’s car over the track. And we’re moving. So. Very. Slowly.

In the middle of the biggest decision of our lives to foster, God called me to another biggest decision of our lives. Matt and I decided that we’re going to home school the girls next year. How I know that we can do both, foster and home school, has absolutely everything to do with God’s timing. If He would have called us to home school before He called us to foster, I’m not sure how ready I would have been to listen. Now, it’s just another thrilling turn (and maybe a loop-to-loop) on our journey to come.

“Use Me, Lord!” Those words are propelling this ride forward. And with God at the controls, how can I fear?

In the Wait

I asked God today to show me He was in this with me. I would never test Him. I know He’s faithful. But, sometimes I just really need to hear it over and over that I’m on the right path. As the wait trudges on toward the fostering classes, I’m finding it more and more difficult to remain patient. No surprises there, if my past has anything to say about it. I’ve never been one to want to wait. One of these days I will be able to tell Him, “Lesson learned!” But, until then, I assume He’ll continue to burn away the chaff.

It was just a few moments ago during my quiet time that I asked God to reveal Himself to me. I’m usually the type to play Bible roulette. I can’t say it’s always the best way to find an answer, but it’s worked for me enough that it’s my first course of action.

Today I found two verses that spoke to me.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

I so needed to hear from Him today and I’m so grateful for His word.

This process has given me a very small glimpse into how Mary felt when she ‘treasured up these things and pondered things in her heart.” Of course I’ll never begin to understand how it would feel to have given birth to the Savior of the Universe, but I feel like what we’re getting ready to do is so important to me, so directed by God, that it’s hard to write about. It's so personal. I’ll find myself over the course of the day, just overwhelmed in the excitement and gratitude that I just start crying. A wonderful cry.

That’s why I haven’t written a whole lot. I’m in the middle of the wait. Still blindly following the only One I can ever fully trust.

So, I'll follow and I'll wait, knowing that I have to be courageous, and not terrified or discouraged. Because the God that will create the life we’re going to look after in the near future is also the God that will give me the love of a mother with the supernatural strength to be able to let go if or when I have to.