Inching Forward

We found out Friday that we are very close to finding an agency to go through licensing. It only feels like we’re inching forward, but this really is a pretty big step.

What I’ve learned this past week of what felt like a huge set-back is that we have so many people on our side. Matt’s friends and colleagues at work have been sparkling beacons of hope, working as hard as they could to get this bump ironed out. I can’t say how much I appreciate them. There isn’t one that comes to mind that I don’t consider a friend, and that’s so special, especially right now.

I’ve also learned this week that my base of friends and family are so precious to me. When God stops me in my tracks, I tend to want to sit down where I am and have a tantrum. Or curl up and throw myself a pity party. God gives us friends and family to support us by holding us up so we’re already standing when God’s ready to start moving again. Pretty awesome the way that works.

So, I’m content in the wait. I’m excited about our tiny little steps, standing firm and ready for when we’re set to start taking some leaps. For everyone that’s helped me stay on my feet this week, you are loved.

Standing Still

We are all wrapped up in red tape, praying that someone out there finds the scissors.

Eleven weeks of classes, hours of homework, and we were one of the few to be moving forward toward our home study. By Thursday, our case manager already had our paperwork and we were scheduling for our first meeting. Ten minutes later, I received an email that because Matt works for Children’s Home Society, licensing through this particular agency could be a conflict of interest. We're now waiting to see if we can find an agency that can help us.

I was initially so disappointed. But, I have to choose to stand firm in my faith. If I say that I’m going to trust God with this, then I have to trust Him at all times, especially when things don’t seem very clear. There is a purpose in this, and I do believe we’ll see it one day. Whether it’s to test my faith, change state-wide policy for those behind us, or to wait on His will for the perfect child for our home, there is a plan.

So, I’ll stop when He stops and I’ll wait when He tells me too. Because I know that even if His footsteps have stopped, they’re still pointed in the right direction.

Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Graduated

Saturday afternoon we graduated from our Foster Parenting class. I thought I’d feel nothing but relief - three months of Saturdays, hours of homework, emotional upheavals- finally completed. But, I didn’t feel relieved at all. I felt drained and exhausted. And scared.

We were interviewed after graduation by our trainer, the next step toward certification. This entire time I thought it would be extremely difficult to get the opportunity to foster a baby because everyone wants to foster babies. And, of course, we heard so much about the older children. But during the interview our trainer said that there’s actually a great need for foster parents like us. I stay at home. That means that the babies under six weeks old will need us since they won’t be able to go into daycare. It also means that we’ll be called for the babies addicted to drugs and alcohol that need extra care.

When she first said that, my mind immediately shut down. No way do I want a baby addicted to crack, going through withdrawal. I don’t want to have to watch an infant in writhe in pain, that can’t stand to be touched, and know that even when they are through withdrawal, they will most likely face a lifetime of psychotropic drugs, behavioral issues and delays. It’s terrifying.

So, Saturday afternoon, I tried to process it all. Little by little, I felt God changing my heart. I told Him that I didn’t want Him to change my heart. I really don’t want to want a drug addicted baby. But, if I choose to follow God’s footsteps, that means following them wherever He goes. Even if that’s straight to a child that is far from perfect.

What I do know, and will always know, is that His footsteps never go the wrong way. No matter the child or children we have in our home, they will touch the lives of others with their stories and glorify God with their triumphs.

This hasn’t been easy, and I don’t see it getting easier. But, I think I’m okay with that. Even if I don’t want to be.

This Little Lamb

I started cleaning out the baby’s room today (formerly a very FULL playroom). The girls were so excited in the process, choosing stuffed animals, blankets and books to save for the little one that we hope to foster.

There were bins of toys to look through and it took all afternoon to barely make a dent. But, as I was dumping and sorting, I came across a little lamb. I just stared at it for a while. Surrounded by monkeys, bears, ducks, horses and puppies, I fixated on this one lamb. I decided then that I was going to decorate the room with lambs.

I told Matt and the girls at dinner what I wanted to do with the room. It wasn’t a huge revelation, the paint’s up and all I have to do is add a few things here and there. But, it wasn’t until just a few moments ago that it hit me.

A lamb. The one creature that is so cherished that its guardian would die to protect it.
The Lamb. The One that came to seek and save the lost.

So, lambs it is.

Painful Lessons

It’s been so hard to blog about the parenting class. A couple weeks removed, I’m going to give it a shot. To say this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done seems ridiculous. There’s nothing to compare it to.

We sit in class hour after hour and hear about the atrocities that children endure day after day, year after year, until they’re lucky enough to get so injured or abused that they are then ripped away from the only life, albeit horrendous, that they’ve ever known. I’ve heard the sickening and stunning statistics of sexual abuse and I’ve faced demons that I would have rather remained dead and dormant in my closet.

And then I feel the ache for that child we’re desperately wanting to save. I can picture holding him, not wanting to put him down in case he has to go back to a parent that won’t hold him enough. I dream of keeping him, and have nightmares of not being able to. I face fears and excitement and more fears, knowing the entire time that this isn’t about me. My roller coaster is getting crazy with loops and twists and I’m typically leaving class nauseous and shaking.

One day, I know I’ll look back on the classes and know that God put me there for more reasons than I can count. My view on the world has changed. My desire to help a baby has morphed. I used to want to adopt. Now, I want to adopt, but I’ll take any second I can to love the unloved, even if it rips my heart out. And my monsters are prayerfully getting a holy beat down.

All that to say - this hurts, it’s going to be worth it and I can’t wait to give God the glory in His upcoming miracles. Because in all this, I know that I know that I know, there will be glory to be given.

One Step at a Time

Sitting on top of the roller coaster looking out over His promises was a breeze compared to the impending descent. Looking down at what’s to come over the next eleven weeks has a lot more twists and turns than we expected.

The class on Saturday was overwhelming. Mainly because of the paperwork and procedure involved. I understand the involvements of the children and the fact that the main objective is to reunite the child with the parents, but the things we have to get together and get ready was a lot to process in one class.

Of course, that’s why they did it.

The class was filled to nearly overflowing. The only way to tell who’s serious is to see who’s willing to make such a huge commitment. This class was meant to weed out those that aren’t serious or are doing this for the wrong reason.

One day removed, I’m feeling much better. I came home and got most of our paperwork in order. I’m done with my homework for the week and I’m ready to get an ‘A’ in class.

An added blessing was when our dear friends walked in to class yesterday. We weren’t sure they’d be able to take the class, but having them next to us was such a God-send. There was something about leaving class and being able to look at Christy and hear that she was feeling the same way I was. God is so good.

I love God’s peace, His comfort. I prayed on it last night. All night long, it seemed. And I heard Him say, again and again and again.

One step at a time, Darlin. One step at a time.

At the top

I’m at the top of the roller coaster, looking down over all of God’s promises. I have my hands in the air, waiting for the descent. What a spectacular view. What an amazing time in life.

The three things I’ve been praying for over the last several months are God’s will with Foster Parenting, my book to be complete and sent to publishers and home schooling the girls. And all three are happening within weeks of each other.

Saturday, we have our first class to become foster parents. With the amount of prayer our children have done over our decision, we are going to be a united foster family.

My book is finished and I’m working on a cover letter to publishers. Whether or not this is the path God would have for me, I know that at least my daughters will gain something from it in the years ahead.

And our curriculum has arrived to start home school.

So many things to be excited for, so many things to hope in. No wonder my hands are lifted high. I’m letting go to let God.

Another step

It seems like everywhere I turn, there’s someone who is fostering a child. Maybe I’ve always been surrounded and I’m just now noticing. But, I’m more inclined to believe that it’s my Father, showing me tangible footprints of His every step.

A few weeks ago, a friend at church was talking to me about an article she read telling how to prepare your children for the foster/adopt process. I felt Matt quietly shut down next to me. When we were back in the car, I asked him what he was thinking about the classes starting up soon, and the prospect of having a new baby in the house six months from now. He said he wasn’t sure he wanted to foster. He was going to take the classes, but it would be one step at a time. I asked him if he’d been praying about it and he hadn’t. Neither had I, not as much as I should.

That night we prayed together. We prayed for guidance, for readied hearts and mostly for God to build a bridge where we would meet in this event that will truly be life-changing.

After we prayed, we watched ‘Undercover Boss’. The episode was about ‘Subway’s” boss and he went to Orlando to meet with the youngest regional manager Subway had ever had. The boss asked the young man what he wanted to do with his life. He said he wanted to foster children, because fostering saved his life. His mom fostered him, then adopted him. Now he wants to give back.

I know some people would call that a coincidence. But, I know the truth.

This past Saturday, we were talking to family about the classes starting up next month and all it would mean for our little family. I listened while Matt told the others that he was ready to foster.

And we took another step forward.

La’akov

Roller Coasters

We boarded this roller coaster we’re on a couple months ago now, I guess. We’re all buckled in, smiling in anticipation. Our knuckles are white on the safety bar as we’re ready to experience something exhilarating, exciting, fun and just this side of terrifying. We’ve started the ascent. We can hear the tick, tick, tick of the coaster’s car over the track. And we’re moving. So. Very. Slowly.

In the middle of the biggest decision of our lives to foster, God called me to another biggest decision of our lives. Matt and I decided that we’re going to home school the girls next year. How I know that we can do both, foster and home school, has absolutely everything to do with God’s timing. If He would have called us to home school before He called us to foster, I’m not sure how ready I would have been to listen. Now, it’s just another thrilling turn (and maybe a loop-to-loop) on our journey to come.

“Use Me, Lord!” Those words are propelling this ride forward. And with God at the controls, how can I fear?

In the Wait

I asked God today to show me He was in this with me. I would never test Him. I know He’s faithful. But, sometimes I just really need to hear it over and over that I’m on the right path. As the wait trudges on toward the fostering classes, I’m finding it more and more difficult to remain patient. No surprises there, if my past has anything to say about it. I’ve never been one to want to wait. One of these days I will be able to tell Him, “Lesson learned!” But, until then, I assume He’ll continue to burn away the chaff.

It was just a few moments ago during my quiet time that I asked God to reveal Himself to me. I’m usually the type to play Bible roulette. I can’t say it’s always the best way to find an answer, but it’s worked for me enough that it’s my first course of action.

Today I found two verses that spoke to me.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

I so needed to hear from Him today and I’m so grateful for His word.

This process has given me a very small glimpse into how Mary felt when she ‘treasured up these things and pondered things in her heart.” Of course I’ll never begin to understand how it would feel to have given birth to the Savior of the Universe, but I feel like what we’re getting ready to do is so important to me, so directed by God, that it’s hard to write about. It's so personal. I’ll find myself over the course of the day, just overwhelmed in the excitement and gratitude that I just start crying. A wonderful cry.

That’s why I haven’t written a whole lot. I’m in the middle of the wait. Still blindly following the only One I can ever fully trust.

So, I'll follow and I'll wait, knowing that I have to be courageous, and not terrified or discouraged. Because the God that will create the life we’re going to look after in the near future is also the God that will give me the love of a mother with the supernatural strength to be able to let go if or when I have to.

From Rhyan

When I walked in the room were Evynn was born, my mom handed me Evynn and I sat down. I slowly ran my fingers down Evynn’s cheek she did a cute little wince. Once Evynn was born everything changed. I was not alone, I had a sister to play with, and I was so excited. Once Evynn grew, and knew how to really talk, we played family. I was the Mom, Evynn was a teenager, and the baby would be an baby doll. It would be more fun having a younger sibling instead of a plastic baby doll.

A few years later I went to my church. The kids had to stay in the church while the parents cleaned the building. There was this baby named Cameron that I met while I was at the church. I was allowed to hold him.

Its awesome seeing him every Sunday, but it would be better having a baby always there.
Ever since I new Cameron I say a little hi to him on every Sunday.

My sister has never been a big sister that’s why she wants an baby. I want an baby because I like babies.

All signed up!

We received our class schedule last night, so we are official!

Orientation is July 23rd and classes begin the following week. We won't be finished until October 8th and then there will be home studies and paperwork. It's a long process, but I completely understand. And I'm grateful that the state is so diligent. I'm not known to be a very patient person when it comes to things like this, so I welcome any lesson.

Rhyan's friend, L, came over today. They are so close so quickly, it makes me smile. I talked to her mom today and met her sister (who was adopted first). They have solidified our decision by their grace and love for each other. What a miracle.

Rhyan has started writing about our endeavor, and wants to be included in the blog. She'll probably be finished by tomorrow and I'll post it.

I'm so excited. I have no idea where we're going and I've never felt more at peace or free. I'm overflowing. :)

I was twelve years old when I wrote my first book. The story revolved around orphaned children searching for a mommy and daddy to call their own. That was the very first I remember God whispering over my heart, tendering it toward one day adopting.

It’s been two years since Matt and I first began talking about fostering a child. Looking back on it now, I can see how God has walked us down this path with baby steps. He knows us so well.

Six months ago, Rhyan, our nine year old daughter, began praying that we would have a baby. At the time, I remember thinking, “God, can my prayers override hers?” Now I just smile to see that she knew what to pray more than I did.

Last week, Matt and I were talking about babies. My pregnancies and deliveries were amazing. I loved every second of both and couldn’t have been happier with my newborn daughters. So, the fact that Matt and I agreed that we didn’t want another biological child spoke of the Lord’s involvement in our decision. We both agreed that fostering to adopt was the right choice.

The desire that is so strong on my heart, would be not to foster at all, but to adopt a newborn.

That Monday afternoon, Rhyan came home and suddenly had a brand new best friend at school. I remember thinking to myself, “I wonder why they became so close so fast.“ They talked on the phone Monday and Tuesday. Rhyan was so excited when she found out L’s mom was going to be at the school for lunch the next day at the same time I was. Rhyan wanted me to meet her.

Wednesday morning, I was pretty discouraged after talking to the woman with child services. She said that adopting a newborn can happen, but it’s not typical. I surrendered to God and said what I will most likely say again and again during this process, “Your will be done Lord.” I have to trust.

An hour later, I left for the school to have lunch with Rhyan. L’s mom was already there. Of the many years the girls have had the same teacher and been in the same class, I’ve never even seen L’s mom, D. Well, I sure did meet her that day.

D and I were talking about our husbands and I mentioned that Matt worked at Children’s Home Society. She told me that she and her husband went through Children’s Home Society to take the MAPS class 12 years ago. MAPS is what they called the foster parenting classes (called PRIDE now). D said that the day after they signed the certification papers, CHS called them and said they had a birth mother wanting to give up her baby. She never did foster, they adopted right away. The greatest desire of my heart, and God placed someone right in front of me who‘s same desire came to life.

That was the most divine moment I can ever remember. I’ve never felt so much like He put someone in my path as He did that day. I prayed about it that morning and He gave me a direct answer. I must have faith. I must trust. How can I not?

About 5:00 that same afternoon, the woman scheduling classes called to see if we were still interested. No doubt about it.

July 23rd will start off our classes to become foster/adoptive parents. This is a journey unlike anything we’ve ever been on. There are no answers, no guarantees. But we are ready to follow His footsteps where ever He may lead. La’akov.