Inching Forward

We found out Friday that we are very close to finding an agency to go through licensing. It only feels like we’re inching forward, but this really is a pretty big step.

What I’ve learned this past week of what felt like a huge set-back is that we have so many people on our side. Matt’s friends and colleagues at work have been sparkling beacons of hope, working as hard as they could to get this bump ironed out. I can’t say how much I appreciate them. There isn’t one that comes to mind that I don’t consider a friend, and that’s so special, especially right now.

I’ve also learned this week that my base of friends and family are so precious to me. When God stops me in my tracks, I tend to want to sit down where I am and have a tantrum. Or curl up and throw myself a pity party. God gives us friends and family to support us by holding us up so we’re already standing when God’s ready to start moving again. Pretty awesome the way that works.

So, I’m content in the wait. I’m excited about our tiny little steps, standing firm and ready for when we’re set to start taking some leaps. For everyone that’s helped me stay on my feet this week, you are loved.

Standing Still

We are all wrapped up in red tape, praying that someone out there finds the scissors.

Eleven weeks of classes, hours of homework, and we were one of the few to be moving forward toward our home study. By Thursday, our case manager already had our paperwork and we were scheduling for our first meeting. Ten minutes later, I received an email that because Matt works for Children’s Home Society, licensing through this particular agency could be a conflict of interest. We're now waiting to see if we can find an agency that can help us.

I was initially so disappointed. But, I have to choose to stand firm in my faith. If I say that I’m going to trust God with this, then I have to trust Him at all times, especially when things don’t seem very clear. There is a purpose in this, and I do believe we’ll see it one day. Whether it’s to test my faith, change state-wide policy for those behind us, or to wait on His will for the perfect child for our home, there is a plan.

So, I’ll stop when He stops and I’ll wait when He tells me too. Because I know that even if His footsteps have stopped, they’re still pointed in the right direction.

Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Graduated

Saturday afternoon we graduated from our Foster Parenting class. I thought I’d feel nothing but relief - three months of Saturdays, hours of homework, emotional upheavals- finally completed. But, I didn’t feel relieved at all. I felt drained and exhausted. And scared.

We were interviewed after graduation by our trainer, the next step toward certification. This entire time I thought it would be extremely difficult to get the opportunity to foster a baby because everyone wants to foster babies. And, of course, we heard so much about the older children. But during the interview our trainer said that there’s actually a great need for foster parents like us. I stay at home. That means that the babies under six weeks old will need us since they won’t be able to go into daycare. It also means that we’ll be called for the babies addicted to drugs and alcohol that need extra care.

When she first said that, my mind immediately shut down. No way do I want a baby addicted to crack, going through withdrawal. I don’t want to have to watch an infant in writhe in pain, that can’t stand to be touched, and know that even when they are through withdrawal, they will most likely face a lifetime of psychotropic drugs, behavioral issues and delays. It’s terrifying.

So, Saturday afternoon, I tried to process it all. Little by little, I felt God changing my heart. I told Him that I didn’t want Him to change my heart. I really don’t want to want a drug addicted baby. But, if I choose to follow God’s footsteps, that means following them wherever He goes. Even if that’s straight to a child that is far from perfect.

What I do know, and will always know, is that His footsteps never go the wrong way. No matter the child or children we have in our home, they will touch the lives of others with their stories and glorify God with their triumphs.

This hasn’t been easy, and I don’t see it getting easier. But, I think I’m okay with that. Even if I don’t want to be.

This Little Lamb

I started cleaning out the baby’s room today (formerly a very FULL playroom). The girls were so excited in the process, choosing stuffed animals, blankets and books to save for the little one that we hope to foster.

There were bins of toys to look through and it took all afternoon to barely make a dent. But, as I was dumping and sorting, I came across a little lamb. I just stared at it for a while. Surrounded by monkeys, bears, ducks, horses and puppies, I fixated on this one lamb. I decided then that I was going to decorate the room with lambs.

I told Matt and the girls at dinner what I wanted to do with the room. It wasn’t a huge revelation, the paint’s up and all I have to do is add a few things here and there. But, it wasn’t until just a few moments ago that it hit me.

A lamb. The one creature that is so cherished that its guardian would die to protect it.
The Lamb. The One that came to seek and save the lost.

So, lambs it is.

Painful Lessons

It’s been so hard to blog about the parenting class. A couple weeks removed, I’m going to give it a shot. To say this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done seems ridiculous. There’s nothing to compare it to.

We sit in class hour after hour and hear about the atrocities that children endure day after day, year after year, until they’re lucky enough to get so injured or abused that they are then ripped away from the only life, albeit horrendous, that they’ve ever known. I’ve heard the sickening and stunning statistics of sexual abuse and I’ve faced demons that I would have rather remained dead and dormant in my closet.

And then I feel the ache for that child we’re desperately wanting to save. I can picture holding him, not wanting to put him down in case he has to go back to a parent that won’t hold him enough. I dream of keeping him, and have nightmares of not being able to. I face fears and excitement and more fears, knowing the entire time that this isn’t about me. My roller coaster is getting crazy with loops and twists and I’m typically leaving class nauseous and shaking.

One day, I know I’ll look back on the classes and know that God put me there for more reasons than I can count. My view on the world has changed. My desire to help a baby has morphed. I used to want to adopt. Now, I want to adopt, but I’ll take any second I can to love the unloved, even if it rips my heart out. And my monsters are prayerfully getting a holy beat down.

All that to say - this hurts, it’s going to be worth it and I can’t wait to give God the glory in His upcoming miracles. Because in all this, I know that I know that I know, there will be glory to be given.

One Step at a Time

Sitting on top of the roller coaster looking out over His promises was a breeze compared to the impending descent. Looking down at what’s to come over the next eleven weeks has a lot more twists and turns than we expected.

The class on Saturday was overwhelming. Mainly because of the paperwork and procedure involved. I understand the involvements of the children and the fact that the main objective is to reunite the child with the parents, but the things we have to get together and get ready was a lot to process in one class.

Of course, that’s why they did it.

The class was filled to nearly overflowing. The only way to tell who’s serious is to see who’s willing to make such a huge commitment. This class was meant to weed out those that aren’t serious or are doing this for the wrong reason.

One day removed, I’m feeling much better. I came home and got most of our paperwork in order. I’m done with my homework for the week and I’m ready to get an ‘A’ in class.

An added blessing was when our dear friends walked in to class yesterday. We weren’t sure they’d be able to take the class, but having them next to us was such a God-send. There was something about leaving class and being able to look at Christy and hear that she was feeling the same way I was. God is so good.

I love God’s peace, His comfort. I prayed on it last night. All night long, it seemed. And I heard Him say, again and again and again.

One step at a time, Darlin. One step at a time.

At the top

I’m at the top of the roller coaster, looking down over all of God’s promises. I have my hands in the air, waiting for the descent. What a spectacular view. What an amazing time in life.

The three things I’ve been praying for over the last several months are God’s will with Foster Parenting, my book to be complete and sent to publishers and home schooling the girls. And all three are happening within weeks of each other.

Saturday, we have our first class to become foster parents. With the amount of prayer our children have done over our decision, we are going to be a united foster family.

My book is finished and I’m working on a cover letter to publishers. Whether or not this is the path God would have for me, I know that at least my daughters will gain something from it in the years ahead.

And our curriculum has arrived to start home school.

So many things to be excited for, so many things to hope in. No wonder my hands are lifted high. I’m letting go to let God.