Waiting

It's been a week and a half since we became licensed foster parents. As crazy as it sounds, I'm so grateful that God's giving me this extra time to emotionally prepare. We've waited so long, but the idea of being approved has had its own set of readiness issues. We can literally be within hours of having a baby in the house. It's real now.

So, I'm cleaning, praying and getting my heart ready. The longer we go without a baby, the longer it is before someone is in the desperate situation that took their child away. I'm fine with the wait. But, thanks to God, I'm ready when it's over.

His Will

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written. My plan was to document every little step along the way through our foster parenting journey. But the little steps have been excruciating and my energy has been utterly stolen over the past few months. Somehow I believe that my inability to write will speak louder than if I would have written every day.

The frustrations along the way were expected. Becoming a licensed foster parent isn’t a perfect process. What set me reeling is the emotional hurricane that swelled beside me as I began my trek. It’s painfully obvious that before God was going to use me in this way, He was going to fix me. And I was more broken than I realized.

When we look at our lives through the lenses of society, it’s so easy to become dissatisfied. We seek the approval of others, desire to be noticed, accepted and loved. We want. But when we look through the lenses of the eternal, we see that all those things are nothing compared to fulfilling the purpose of God. We can see the chaff compared to His will. I had to stop looking through the lenses of this world and see through eyes from heaven. I had to get the focus off of me and put it directly on God. I had to want, but I had to want what He wanted.

And that has been my lesson learned through this experience. God couldn’t use me until I had my priorities in place. It was a difficult process, but one that I wouldn’t change for anything. I slip back into brokenness now and then, but I finally feel healed for the first time in my life. He can use me now. How could I ask for anything greater than that.

This is going to be difficult.

I haven't posted simply because there hasn't been anything to post. We have been in limbo for what feels like forever.

In the stillness and quiet of this arduous wait, I know God is with me. I feel His presence, in a way I've never felt. Almost like a warrior, standing guard next to me as I sit and just remain. And I need a warrior right now.

One thing that is painfully obvious is that if you're going to do God's will, Satan will come at you full force. No holding back, the attack is on. It's sneaky and mean, fierce and persistent. So, since October, I've been under the shadow of His wing. Sometimes moving away from His protection, living with the assault. But, the key is recognition. We have a long road ahead of us. The battle has been raging for a few months, but it's really just getting started. And that's not only okay, that's exactly where I want to be. Because it means I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

This life is not meant to be easy. We aren't meant to be content with the simple and mundane. We are meant to live for the glory of the Lord. And there just isn't anything easy about that.

Inching Forward

We found out Friday that we are very close to finding an agency to go through licensing. It only feels like we’re inching forward, but this really is a pretty big step.

What I’ve learned this past week of what felt like a huge set-back is that we have so many people on our side. Matt’s friends and colleagues at work have been sparkling beacons of hope, working as hard as they could to get this bump ironed out. I can’t say how much I appreciate them. There isn’t one that comes to mind that I don’t consider a friend, and that’s so special, especially right now.

I’ve also learned this week that my base of friends and family are so precious to me. When God stops me in my tracks, I tend to want to sit down where I am and have a tantrum. Or curl up and throw myself a pity party. God gives us friends and family to support us by holding us up so we’re already standing when God’s ready to start moving again. Pretty awesome the way that works.

So, I’m content in the wait. I’m excited about our tiny little steps, standing firm and ready for when we’re set to start taking some leaps. For everyone that’s helped me stay on my feet this week, you are loved.

Standing Still

We are all wrapped up in red tape, praying that someone out there finds the scissors.

Eleven weeks of classes, hours of homework, and we were one of the few to be moving forward toward our home study. By Thursday, our case manager already had our paperwork and we were scheduling for our first meeting. Ten minutes later, I received an email that because Matt works for Children’s Home Society, licensing through this particular agency could be a conflict of interest. We're now waiting to see if we can find an agency that can help us.

I was initially so disappointed. But, I have to choose to stand firm in my faith. If I say that I’m going to trust God with this, then I have to trust Him at all times, especially when things don’t seem very clear. There is a purpose in this, and I do believe we’ll see it one day. Whether it’s to test my faith, change state-wide policy for those behind us, or to wait on His will for the perfect child for our home, there is a plan.

So, I’ll stop when He stops and I’ll wait when He tells me too. Because I know that even if His footsteps have stopped, they’re still pointed in the right direction.

Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Graduated

Saturday afternoon we graduated from our Foster Parenting class. I thought I’d feel nothing but relief - three months of Saturdays, hours of homework, emotional upheavals- finally completed. But, I didn’t feel relieved at all. I felt drained and exhausted. And scared.

We were interviewed after graduation by our trainer, the next step toward certification. This entire time I thought it would be extremely difficult to get the opportunity to foster a baby because everyone wants to foster babies. And, of course, we heard so much about the older children. But during the interview our trainer said that there’s actually a great need for foster parents like us. I stay at home. That means that the babies under six weeks old will need us since they won’t be able to go into daycare. It also means that we’ll be called for the babies addicted to drugs and alcohol that need extra care.

When she first said that, my mind immediately shut down. No way do I want a baby addicted to crack, going through withdrawal. I don’t want to have to watch an infant in writhe in pain, that can’t stand to be touched, and know that even when they are through withdrawal, they will most likely face a lifetime of psychotropic drugs, behavioral issues and delays. It’s terrifying.

So, Saturday afternoon, I tried to process it all. Little by little, I felt God changing my heart. I told Him that I didn’t want Him to change my heart. I really don’t want to want a drug addicted baby. But, if I choose to follow God’s footsteps, that means following them wherever He goes. Even if that’s straight to a child that is far from perfect.

What I do know, and will always know, is that His footsteps never go the wrong way. No matter the child or children we have in our home, they will touch the lives of others with their stories and glorify God with their triumphs.

This hasn’t been easy, and I don’t see it getting easier. But, I think I’m okay with that. Even if I don’t want to be.

This Little Lamb

I started cleaning out the baby’s room today (formerly a very FULL playroom). The girls were so excited in the process, choosing stuffed animals, blankets and books to save for the little one that we hope to foster.

There were bins of toys to look through and it took all afternoon to barely make a dent. But, as I was dumping and sorting, I came across a little lamb. I just stared at it for a while. Surrounded by monkeys, bears, ducks, horses and puppies, I fixated on this one lamb. I decided then that I was going to decorate the room with lambs.

I told Matt and the girls at dinner what I wanted to do with the room. It wasn’t a huge revelation, the paint’s up and all I have to do is add a few things here and there. But, it wasn’t until just a few moments ago that it hit me.

A lamb. The one creature that is so cherished that its guardian would die to protect it.
The Lamb. The One that came to seek and save the lost.

So, lambs it is.