Facing the Hurt

I couldn’t bring a child into our home without loving him with all my heart.  I had to give him all of me.  It’s not the best way to be as a foster mother.  But, even in the pain, I believe it’s the only way to be.

I’ve prayed for a year and a half that God would put a child in our lives that we would adopt.  I prayed that we wouldn’t have to hurt, we wouldn’t have to face challenges or trials.  I believed that He would be powerful enough to do what everyone said couldn’t be done.  And He is.  Even if His answer is ‘no’.

I know He can move mountains and Baby could stay with us. But, if the best place for him is with another family, then I trust my God.  He is faithful, He is just, and thankfully, He is all-knowing.  He’s known this child since before he was conceived and He knows him into eternity.  He makes no mistakes. 

So, I am preparing myself.  I stare into Baby’s eyes and think of all that the other care-givers don’t know.  They don’t know his cries.  They don’t know when he’s tired and when he just wants to look at something different.  They don’t know how to rock him when he’s ready for sleep or that he needs to be bundled with one arm out.  They don’t know that he loves the fan and car rides and walks and baths.  Or how he looks for me when he hears my voice and he smiles at the girls and quiets down when he sees them.  He’s a part of our family.

And then he won’t be. 

I’m facing this heartache to care for this child, to give him a safe place and a loving home.  But beyond that, my first and always my first, purpose is to glorify and honor God in every situation.  I hope I’m doing just that, because He is worthy.  I trust Him completely to guard, love, cherish and protect this baby so that one day he will know His name and love Him to change the world.  I trust Him to give him what I won’t be able to.

“I will cover you with my hands and protect you.”  Isaiah 51:16

Guardian

We have a very strict ‘no phone calls at the table’ policy.  Dinner is a special time when we focus on each other and talk about our days.We were just placing dinner on the table when Rhyan asked, “If we get a call for our foster baby, will you answer it.” 

The phone rang.

Just like that. Matt and I looked at each other and laughed.  No way.  I looked at the number and didn’t recognize it.  The voice on the other end changed our lives forever.  She said she had an infant that needed a place to stay.  She was removing him from his home that evening. 

We told her we’d have to call her back while we prayed about it.  I already had peace in my heart about this little boy, but we got down on our knees as a family and prayed for guidance and direction.  He guided us to say ‘yes’. 

We knew his approximate age, that he was a boy, but we knew nothing else about him.  We didn’t know his race, his circumstances, his name, date of birth.  Nothing. 

We waited a very long time.  I stayed by the phone.  Dinner was completely forgotten. By 8:30, we put the girls to bed and promised to wake them when he arrived.  At about 9:30, we received the call that the case manager was on her way.  The extraction had been violent and she was frazzled.  I was beside myself.

I waited out at the end our driveway and flagged her down.  She was still visibly upset when she walked around to the baby.  Seeing him for the first time was surreal.  Without information, I had no idea who to envision.  Now I was seeing him and he was beautiful.  And sleeping. 

I feel in love with him that night.  I know it doesn’t seem possible, but I also know that through God all things ARE possible.  I pray for his little life every second I think of him, look at him, feed him, change him.  He is cherished and treasured while he’s in our home.  I pray for God’s will in his life, that he will go to the home that God chooses.  But my heart is screaming, “Please, Lord, let it be ours.” 

What I am sure of is that God loves him.  God loves me.  He loves my husband, He loves my children.  And I WILL trust Him.

To this baby in our care, from God,  “I am with you and will protect you wherever you go.”  Genesis 28:15

Waiting

It's been a week and a half since we became licensed foster parents. As crazy as it sounds, I'm so grateful that God's giving me this extra time to emotionally prepare. We've waited so long, but the idea of being approved has had its own set of readiness issues. We can literally be within hours of having a baby in the house. It's real now.

So, I'm cleaning, praying and getting my heart ready. The longer we go without a baby, the longer it is before someone is in the desperate situation that took their child away. I'm fine with the wait. But, thanks to God, I'm ready when it's over.

His Will

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written. My plan was to document every little step along the way through our foster parenting journey. But the little steps have been excruciating and my energy has been utterly stolen over the past few months. Somehow I believe that my inability to write will speak louder than if I would have written every day.

The frustrations along the way were expected. Becoming a licensed foster parent isn’t a perfect process. What set me reeling is the emotional hurricane that swelled beside me as I began my trek. It’s painfully obvious that before God was going to use me in this way, He was going to fix me. And I was more broken than I realized.

When we look at our lives through the lenses of society, it’s so easy to become dissatisfied. We seek the approval of others, desire to be noticed, accepted and loved. We want. But when we look through the lenses of the eternal, we see that all those things are nothing compared to fulfilling the purpose of God. We can see the chaff compared to His will. I had to stop looking through the lenses of this world and see through eyes from heaven. I had to get the focus off of me and put it directly on God. I had to want, but I had to want what He wanted.

And that has been my lesson learned through this experience. God couldn’t use me until I had my priorities in place. It was a difficult process, but one that I wouldn’t change for anything. I slip back into brokenness now and then, but I finally feel healed for the first time in my life. He can use me now. How could I ask for anything greater than that.

This is going to be difficult.

I haven't posted simply because there hasn't been anything to post. We have been in limbo for what feels like forever.

In the stillness and quiet of this arduous wait, I know God is with me. I feel His presence, in a way I've never felt. Almost like a warrior, standing guard next to me as I sit and just remain. And I need a warrior right now.

One thing that is painfully obvious is that if you're going to do God's will, Satan will come at you full force. No holding back, the attack is on. It's sneaky and mean, fierce and persistent. So, since October, I've been under the shadow of His wing. Sometimes moving away from His protection, living with the assault. But, the key is recognition. We have a long road ahead of us. The battle has been raging for a few months, but it's really just getting started. And that's not only okay, that's exactly where I want to be. Because it means I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

This life is not meant to be easy. We aren't meant to be content with the simple and mundane. We are meant to live for the glory of the Lord. And there just isn't anything easy about that.

Inching Forward

We found out Friday that we are very close to finding an agency to go through licensing. It only feels like we’re inching forward, but this really is a pretty big step.

What I’ve learned this past week of what felt like a huge set-back is that we have so many people on our side. Matt’s friends and colleagues at work have been sparkling beacons of hope, working as hard as they could to get this bump ironed out. I can’t say how much I appreciate them. There isn’t one that comes to mind that I don’t consider a friend, and that’s so special, especially right now.

I’ve also learned this week that my base of friends and family are so precious to me. When God stops me in my tracks, I tend to want to sit down where I am and have a tantrum. Or curl up and throw myself a pity party. God gives us friends and family to support us by holding us up so we’re already standing when God’s ready to start moving again. Pretty awesome the way that works.

So, I’m content in the wait. I’m excited about our tiny little steps, standing firm and ready for when we’re set to start taking some leaps. For everyone that’s helped me stay on my feet this week, you are loved.

Standing Still

We are all wrapped up in red tape, praying that someone out there finds the scissors.

Eleven weeks of classes, hours of homework, and we were one of the few to be moving forward toward our home study. By Thursday, our case manager already had our paperwork and we were scheduling for our first meeting. Ten minutes later, I received an email that because Matt works for Children’s Home Society, licensing through this particular agency could be a conflict of interest. We're now waiting to see if we can find an agency that can help us.

I was initially so disappointed. But, I have to choose to stand firm in my faith. If I say that I’m going to trust God with this, then I have to trust Him at all times, especially when things don’t seem very clear. There is a purpose in this, and I do believe we’ll see it one day. Whether it’s to test my faith, change state-wide policy for those behind us, or to wait on His will for the perfect child for our home, there is a plan.

So, I’ll stop when He stops and I’ll wait when He tells me too. Because I know that even if His footsteps have stopped, they’re still pointed in the right direction.

Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.