The Desires of My Heart

It’s been two and half weeks since Beau came to our home.  When he arrived, all I could think was that I hadn’t waited long enough after Baby had gone.  I was missing him and I didn’t feel like I would ever be able to love Beau the same way.  I could look after his needs, care for him, and keep him safe.  But I couldn’t love him.

The girls were learning a Bible verse that hung on the refrigerator,
“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  Psalm 32:4

I’ve known that verse for years, and I understand it.  God won’t give us the selfish things we desire because we ask for them.  He will put His own desires in our hearts because He knows what’s best for us.  So, I prayed.

It didn’t take more than an hour or so, and Beau was making his way into my heart.  After two and half weeks, I’m standing where I was with Baby.  Loving him like he's my own and wanting what’s best for him, trusting that God will work it out because all I have right now is faith.

Beau’s case worker is doing a home study for a non-relative placement.  A friend of his mother’s wants him and he could leave us by next week.  But, Beau’s case is much different than Baby’s.  It’s more dangerous and requires much more trust with his protection.  The thought of him leaving makes me physically ill because I honestly don’t know that he will be safe away from here.  I look at his little face and tiny body and cover him with prayers for his safety, because only God can keep him from harm. 

So, here I am again.  Praying for God’s will, preparing for a broken heart, saying that I won’t do this again because it hurts too bad. 

And knowing that if he does leave us, I will say ‘yes’ when that next phone call comes in.  Because I delight myself in the LORD.  And He is giving me the desires of His heart.

Stubborn

My husband is stubborn.  After our first argument, all those years ago, I expected him to immediately apologize.  He didn’t.  Not only did he not apologize, he expected me to apologize.   We apparently worked things out, but I don’t remember it being easy.

Matt’s still stubborn.  But, today his stubbornness is used for good.  He’s stubborn about how we spend our money, how we raise our girls, and he’s stubborn, always, about putting God first in all of our decisions. 

More than a year and a half ago, we began the conversation about fostering.  At the time, we both said we wanted to wait.  A year ago, classes were beginning and Matt told me he’d take the classes, but he still wasn’t sure we would foster.  The classes began and he said he wouldn’t mind fostering, but he didn’t want to adopt.  After 12 weeks of classes, he said he wanted to foster, and if God put adoption out there for us, he was willing. 

Then Baby came into our home.  My stubborn man got a little melty.  But, when the circumstance came up that we would have to take Baby’s brother or he would have to go to his brother’s foster family, Matt said we simply couldn’t take in two children.  So, I prayed.  I wanted both boys.  And then, all of a sudden, we began planning our house for two little boys.  We figured out beds and car seats and in what seemed like only moments, Matt’s heart was changed. 

God loves stubborn hearts.  Stubborn hearts show His power to work in mighty ways.  I’ve seen a man that didn’t to want to foster at all tell me last week that he was ready to take in another baby, even before I was ready.  God.  It can only be God.   

And it can only be good.

Spinning

Matt and I were alone last night after the girls had gone to sleep.  Nothing really reminded me of Baby.  He’s just always in my thoughts.  In the quiet of house, I told Matt that I missed that precious little boy.  I wasn’t expecting a response.  Matt’s very good at letting me vent or share without needing to fix things.  So when he told me that he missed him too, I was surprised.  They were the perfect words and I needed to hear them.  I’m not alone.

This morning, I walked into Baby’s room for the first time since he left.  His little clothes were on the dresser.  His crib just like I left it when I woke him up Tuesday afternoon to put him in a car seat on his way away.  I felt the emotion like a physical blow and it took my breath.  I’m not sure this is something everyone can understand.  I feel almost silly describing it.  He was never my child, how can I love him so much?  But, whether I can explain it or not, I just do.

Matt and I had decided to wait a month or so to heal up a bit before we took in another child.  But, when I received that call from our licensing agent today that there was a newborn girl that needed a placement, I didn’t have to think about it too long.  Of course we’d take her. 

By then end of the day, the case managers had found a home for her with a sibling.  I wasn’t only walking in the dark today, I was spinning.  But, I’m so grateful for many things.  I know that I’m getting stronger in the disappointments, I’m immediately giving my hurt to God and telling Him with a smile “Your will be done.”, and I’m following Him at a closer distance.  But, what I’m most grateful for is that even though I felt guilty to think of bringing another child into our home, as irrational as that is, I know that I can.  And we will.   

Maybe even tomorrow.

  

Heartbroken

Hearts can be shredded and shattered, and still there is peace.  I know, I’m there.  Baby is gone, and for as difficult as it is to even speak, I have peace.

I think of how he effected our family.  Rhyan seems to have aged three years.  At times, her maturity has taken me by surprise.  She was the first to want to hold him and watch him while I made dinner or cleaned.  She was the one that was in his little face the most, smiling and talking with him.  She kept her mind on God’s will and prayed over him always.

Evynn probably shocked me the most.  She loved Baby and wanted to play with him often, but her main focus was on helping me.  She was the queen organizer and was first to want to set the table or clean the house.  She had a mama’s heart, but cared about her own mama’s heart, as well. 

Matt became attached, for as hard as he tried to distance himself.  Over the last weeks, he would come into the room and kiss Baby’s head.  He loved to make him smile and had his fair share of holding time. 

This child helped me see my family differently.  I don’t love them any more than I did.  But, I love them better.  I appreciate the little things and I’m so grateful the countless blessings that make up my life. 

We are going to miss Baby more than I can express.  I can’t trust myself around anyone right now, even to talk to anyone, because I keep breaking down.  I’ve put all of his things out of sight and closed the door to his room.  The pain is coming in waves.  One second I’m functioning and living, the next I’m fully overwhelmed.  Thankfully, I’m content to know that he is going to his family and that they will love and protect him.  I know that because that has been my consistent prayer all these weeks. 

So, I will take some time to let my heart heal.  I will clean my house, get back into my work-out routine, focus on some writing projects, eat regular meals.  I will not clean bottles, wash burp rags, change diapers, or haul car seats.  My life is, once again, going to be easy. 

And one day I might just find myself being happy about ‘easy‘. 

But, today is not that day.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.  Psalm 34:18

Peace

My favorite time of the day is early in the morning.  It’s when Baby is the biggest cuddle bug.  He rests his tiny head on my shoulder and nuzzles, completely calm. 

Evynn comes down soon after and we put him in his bouncer.  We have a contest to see who can make him give us the biggest smile.  Rhyan eventually makes her way downstairs and joins us.  She’s the best at getting him to ‘talk‘.  He gets sleepy about the time we’re ready to begin school.  The rest of the day rushes forward, but in those few special moments, there is perfect peace.

Peace.  I have it.  I don’t understand it, and in some strange way I don’t know if I want it.  Baby is, again, scheduled to leave.  Monday’s court date is to put him in a relative’s home.  Again, I’m preparing my heart to say ‘good-bye’.  Again, I’m getting his things together and making all there is with our time together.  Peace almost feels like a betrayal to how much I care for him.  How can I feel peace if my heart’s on the edge, ready to shatter? 

I know the answer.  It’s in His word.  And He is His word.  Peace.  It surpasses my understanding and keeps me hoping for all that He’s promised - to keep this child safe, to love him completely because He formed him in his mother’s womb; to guard him and keep him safe in the shadow of His wings.  In my peace I find hope, because I continue to search for His will and lean on the knowledge that He’s known this baby boy before the foundation of the earth and He knows him through eternity. 

Peace.  I have it.  I don’t understand it.  And whether I feel like I want it or not, I’m so, so very grateful for this PEACE.


Isaiah 26:3 You will guard him and keep him in perfect and
constant peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.

A Different Kind of Mother's Day

There will be another court date tomorrow.  Baby is going to another foster family who is already caring for his sibling.  We wanted to keep him and bring his sibling into our home, but crazy, bizarre circumstances are preventing it.  As of this moment, there is absolutely no chance we will keep him.  But, I’ve seen God do the impossible and I know that He is bigger than this situation.  He can move this mountain.  And if He chooses not to, what I can be sure of is that we’re all exactly where we belong.

I’ve spent the last days, so grateful for this time to prepare my heart to say ‘good-bye‘.  I’ve stared at him and studied his face.  I’ve memorized the rolls on his little arms, the color of his eyes, the way he smiles and looks away like he understands shy.  I’ve sung to him and prayed over him and whispered the name of Jesus again and again, hoping some day it will echo into his future and rest on his heart.  I watch as he looks for me when I enter the room, and I talk to him when he talks to me and give his cheeks kiss after kiss.  For one Mother’s Day, I had a son.  It’s been a day of gratitude and cherished memories, tears and heartache. 

It doesn’t look like I will be the one to raise him up to know and love Jesus.  So, when I hold him one last time before placing him in another’s arms, I will give him a Bible verse to take with him.  And a song that is my prayer for him his whole life long.

I pray the Lord will hold you close and keep you through the night,
That you will wake up smiling in the early morning light,
That He will always comfort you and make you brave and strong,
I pray that you will follow Him your whole life long.

I pray that you will grow up to be wise and good and true,
I pray that you will please the Lord in everything you do,
I pray that you will hear His voice and learn to sing His song,
I pray that you will follow Him your whole life long.

I pray that you will follow Him,
I pray that you will follow Him,
I pray that you will follow Him your whole life long.

I pray the Lord will bless you with His presence every day,
I pray he will protect you every step along the way,
Help you love what's right and lead you far away from wrong,
I pray that you will follow Him your whole life long.

I pray that you will follow Him,
I pray that you will follow Him,
I pray that you will follow Him your whole life long.

Twila Paris, Your Whole Life Long.


Psalm 121:5-8
5  The Lord watches over you.
The Lord is like a shade tree at your right hand.
6  The sun won’t harm you during the day.
The moon won’t harm you during the night.

7  The Lord will keep you from every kind of harm.
He will watch over your life.
8  The Lord will watch over your life no matter where you go,
Both now and forevermore.

Amen.

Kristi

My sister is my best friend in the whole world.  As of six weeks ago, we talked every day, several times a day.  My routine was to put the girls in the car, head to the gym and hit my speed dial on the way out of our neighborhood. 

We talked about everything.  She was pregnant and I was going through licensing for foster parenting.  Our conversations hinged around our major life events.  We talked paint colors for bedrooms, kids, sports, school, husbands, weekends.  We vented when we were angry or frustrated.  I liked to make her laugh because her laugh was contagious and to make her laugh was to make me laugh. 

And then I got her email…

“Having contractions.  Going to hospital.  Pray.”

I called her phone repeatedly, until her mother-in-law finally answered.  “She’s in the labor room, having the baby… Oh wait.  She just had her.  I’ll call you back.”

She was only 27 weeks.  Three months early.  I didn’t know if the baby was alive.  Kristi went through natural birth after two C-sections and I wasn’t sure if she was okay.  I stared at the phone, willing it to ring.  Finally, her mother-in-law called back.  Lilly Sue was 2 pounds, 12 ounces and being transferred to the NICU. 

Days later, we were licensed and we got our first placement.  An infant boy that we fell instantly in love with. 

Both of our lives have been completely altered and our phone conversations are much less frequent.  She tries to call me on her way to the hospital every morning, but I’m usually feeding the baby and starting school by the time I notice the missed call.  I immediately call her back, knowing that she’s already in the NICU, staring at the monitors, watching Lilly take a breath.  A breath.  A breath. 

We connected the other day and I told her that our sweet boy was leaving.  Our difficulties are very different, but revolve around two beloved babies.  She told me how tired she was of crying in front of strangers and her kid’s friends.  I told her I was tired of crying during my runs and in the baby section of Walmart.  We’re both such messes. 

But, we’re God’s messes.  We send each other scripture and songs that speak to us.  We’ve grown in our faith like nothing I’ve seen and we still have each other.  We still talk and vent and discuss life.  The laughter’s missing, but it will come back when it’s time.

She told me the other day that she was tired of being so weak in all of this.  Me, too.  But, someday, when this passes and we’re looking back on it, our strength is going to take us by surprise.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)