Heartbroken

Hearts can be shredded and shattered, and still there is peace.  I know, I’m there.  Baby is gone, and for as difficult as it is to even speak, I have peace.

I think of how he effected our family.  Rhyan seems to have aged three years.  At times, her maturity has taken me by surprise.  She was the first to want to hold him and watch him while I made dinner or cleaned.  She was the one that was in his little face the most, smiling and talking with him.  She kept her mind on God’s will and prayed over him always.

Evynn probably shocked me the most.  She loved Baby and wanted to play with him often, but her main focus was on helping me.  She was the queen organizer and was first to want to set the table or clean the house.  She had a mama’s heart, but cared about her own mama’s heart, as well. 

Matt became attached, for as hard as he tried to distance himself.  Over the last weeks, he would come into the room and kiss Baby’s head.  He loved to make him smile and had his fair share of holding time. 

This child helped me see my family differently.  I don’t love them any more than I did.  But, I love them better.  I appreciate the little things and I’m so grateful the countless blessings that make up my life. 

We are going to miss Baby more than I can express.  I can’t trust myself around anyone right now, even to talk to anyone, because I keep breaking down.  I’ve put all of his things out of sight and closed the door to his room.  The pain is coming in waves.  One second I’m functioning and living, the next I’m fully overwhelmed.  Thankfully, I’m content to know that he is going to his family and that they will love and protect him.  I know that because that has been my consistent prayer all these weeks. 

So, I will take some time to let my heart heal.  I will clean my house, get back into my work-out routine, focus on some writing projects, eat regular meals.  I will not clean bottles, wash burp rags, change diapers, or haul car seats.  My life is, once again, going to be easy. 

And one day I might just find myself being happy about ‘easy‘. 

But, today is not that day.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.  Psalm 34:18