Spinning

Matt and I were alone last night after the girls had gone to sleep.  Nothing really reminded me of Baby.  He’s just always in my thoughts.  In the quiet of house, I told Matt that I missed that precious little boy.  I wasn’t expecting a response.  Matt’s very good at letting me vent or share without needing to fix things.  So when he told me that he missed him too, I was surprised.  They were the perfect words and I needed to hear them.  I’m not alone.

This morning, I walked into Baby’s room for the first time since he left.  His little clothes were on the dresser.  His crib just like I left it when I woke him up Tuesday afternoon to put him in a car seat on his way away.  I felt the emotion like a physical blow and it took my breath.  I’m not sure this is something everyone can understand.  I feel almost silly describing it.  He was never my child, how can I love him so much?  But, whether I can explain it or not, I just do.

Matt and I had decided to wait a month or so to heal up a bit before we took in another child.  But, when I received that call from our licensing agent today that there was a newborn girl that needed a placement, I didn’t have to think about it too long.  Of course we’d take her. 

By then end of the day, the case managers had found a home for her with a sibling.  I wasn’t only walking in the dark today, I was spinning.  But, I’m so grateful for many things.  I know that I’m getting stronger in the disappointments, I’m immediately giving my hurt to God and telling Him with a smile “Your will be done.”, and I’m following Him at a closer distance.  But, what I’m most grateful for is that even though I felt guilty to think of bringing another child into our home, as irrational as that is, I know that I can.  And we will.   

Maybe even tomorrow.